Shaman King Christmas Carol
by Keitorin Asthore
Summary: Ren and Jun narrate the tale of Anna Krooge, the scariest woman in all of Japan, who finally learns the true meaning of Christmas. Parody of A Christmas Carol.


Disclaimer: Shaman King belongs to Hiroyuki Takei, not me. But Charles Dickens's Christmas Carol is public domain, so yay!

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JUN: This is a story about a person who hated Christmas.

REN: Hosted by the Tao Siblings.

JUN and REN: That's US!!!

JUN: Stop fooling around, Lian-chan. We have to get started.

REN: *sigh* Okay, wonderful big sister.

JUN: Okay. *clears throat.* Amida-Marley was dead. Dead as a doornail, in fact.

REN: *gasp* Can doornails be dead?

JUN: I don't know. Ask the next one you meet.

REN: Okay!!

JUN: Anyway…Amida-Marley was dead. This must be strictly understood, or else nothing wonderful can come from the story you are about to hear. His business had been taken by his former partner, one Anna Krooge.

REN: Krooge?

JUN: I had to make it sound like Scrooge. Anyway, this Anna Krooge was cold and sharp as flint, as secret and self-contained as an oyster, and just about as mean as you can get.

ANNA: Gee, thanks. HUMBUG!

REN: Humbug?

ANNA: It's my catchphrase. Now shut up.

REN: Yes'm!

JUN: Anna Krooge never painted out Marley's name from the sign above the door. So sometimes people new to the business called Krooge Krooge and sometimes they called her Marley. She didn't much care; it was all the same to her. Now, Anna Krooge hated having to call off work for a holiday, but if everyone else was closed, she couldn't conduct any business. So on December 24, she made her clerk, HoroHoro Crachit, work extra hard to make up for it.

ANNA: What on earth are you wearing?

HOROHORO: Eh…coat, hat, gloves, ear muffs, and scarf.

ANNA: And why, I dread to ask?

HOROHORO: I'm cold. I come from the North, and I'm freezing.

ANNA: So?

HOROHORO: Well, you must be cold, too, Anna-sama. I mean, you're wearing a sleeveless dress in the middle of winter. We could put more coal in the fireplace, if you're cold too. But I'm extremely cold. That's what I'm trying to say.

ANNA: So?

HOROHORO: I'm shutting up now.

ANNA: Thank you.

JUN: It was while Anna was working that a most unwelcome interruption appeared.

CHOCOLOVE: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

ANNA: Oh, crap…it's him…

CHOCOLOVE: Merry Christmas, HoroHoro Crachit!

HOROHORO: Merry Christmas to you too, Choco-san!

ANNA: HoroHoro Crachit, if you continue to pollute the air with your useless talking, you'll find yourself polluting the air in the UNEMPLOYMENT LINE!!!

HOROHORO: Shutting up…again.

ANNA: So what are you doing here?

CHOCOLOVE: Just spreading a little Christmas cheer!! *hangs a wreath around Anna's neck.* See, isn't that cheerful?

ANNA: No. *takes off wreath and tosses it in the fire.*

HOROHORO: Ah…warmth…

ANNA: I ask again- what are you doing here?

CHOCOLOVE: Just to invite you to my Christmas party!!

ANNA: And since when do I attend Christmas parties?

CHOCOLOVE: Eh…well, I thought it might be fun!!

ANNA: Christmas, fun, and me don't belong together. The next person I meet with "Merry Christmas" on his lips will have the experience of me driving a stake of holly through his heart and then drowning him in plum pudding. I can't wait.

CHOCOLOVE: Anna!

ANNA: *sarcasm radiates forth* Chocolove! Just because you were a friend of my brother's doesn't mean we have to be buddy-buddy. Actually, I'd prefer it if we weren't even just buddy. Let's be strangers.

CHOCOLOVE: *sigh* Well, I just dropped by to invite you to my Christmas party. Are you sure you won't come?

ANNA: Are you sure that Hao Asakura has cool pants? Now go away.

CHOCOLOVE: *exiting* Merry Christmas, Anna Krooge!! Merry Christmas, HoroHoro Crachit!!

HOROHORO CRACHIT: Merry Christmas to you too, Choco-san!

ANNA: CrachIT!

HOROHORO: Shutting up…

*From outside, the strains of "Good King Wenceslaus" are faintly heard.*

ANNA: Can't get any work done at all! *opens door.* Whaddaya want?

TOKAGERO: Penny for the song, please, miss?

ANNA: NO! *slams door.* Hey, wait a minute…*opens door* You're Tokagero, aren't you?

TOKAGERO: Yes, miss!

ANNA: Your family owes me two hundred thousand yen. I want it by tomorrow.

TOKAGERO: Begging your pardon, miss, but it's Christmas!!!

ANNA: So? He'd still owe me the money if he was dead and in hell. And then I'd come and find him…*snaps necklace.*

TOKAGERO: Please, miss, we haven't anything at all! We're so hungry we had to eat my mother!

ANNA: So?

TOKAGERO: *runs away sobbing.*

HOROHORO: You made that poor little ghost cry!

ANNA: I'll be making _you_ cry if you don't get back to work!

HOROHORO: *gulp*

*There is another knock on the door.*

ANNA: Crimony! Don't they know I'm busy?! *jerks open the door.* Yeah?

LYSERG: Good afternoon, milady!

ANNA: If you're selling makeup, you should be able to tell that I don't need any.

LYSERG: I'm not here to sell lip gloss and mascara, milady! I'm here collecting on behalf of the poor! They have so little, and it is most keenly felt at this time of year! My corporation is working to collect the funds in order to create a happy Christmas for those who need it most! How much shall I put you down for?!

ANNA: *pondering* Nothing.

LYSERG: Oh? You wish to remain anonymous?

ANNA: Actually, I wish…TO BE LEFT ALONE!! Good day, sir!

LYSERG: *runs away screaming in terror.*

HOROHORO: That's the third one today…

ANNA: Oh, do shut up. I have gotten positively no work done today. And I assume you want the entire day off tomorrow.

HOROHORO: It's only one day, Anna-sama.

ANNA: That's a poor excuse for picking a girl's pocket every twenty-fifth of December. Oh, well. I'm too nice. Go ahead and stay home tomorrow. But be here all the earlier the next morning. As in two hours earlier.

HOROHORO: Thank you, Anna-sama!

ANNA: I'm leaving now. Be sure to lock up securely, or I'll have your head. And you know I'll do it, too.

HOROHORO: Yes'm!

JUN: Anna Krooge went to her usual melancholy onsen and had her usual melancholy dinner at her usual melancholy table.

REN: Why is everything usual and melancholy?

JUN: Because it adds emphasis.

REN: Melancholy. Melancholy. It sounds so pretty. I'm going to name my daughter Melancholy.

JUN: Don't be dumb. *whacks her small brother.* I mean that in a very caring way, Lian-chan.

REN: XX

JUN: Anyway…the night was so dark and so foggy that even Anna Krooge, who knew every cobblestone of her yard, was fain to grope with her hands to get to the door.

ANNA: Gosh darnit, it's dark. I'm fain to grope with my hands.

JUN: Now, you must know that there was nothing remarkable about the knocker on the front door, except that it was quite large and solid.

REN: Do Japanese doors have knockers?

JUN: *shrug* But as Anna reached to unlock her door, she beheld in the knocker the face of her deceased business partner Amida-Marley.

AMIDA-MARLEY: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnna……………..

ANNA: *blinks rapidly.* Eh? *rubs ears* Wow, I have a strange imagination!

JUN: It was not Anna's custom to double-lock the doors, but she did so anyway. She changed into her faded old yukata and had her housekeeper, Hao Dilber, send up something from the kitchen for her.

HAO: *dumps tray on the table* Here.

ANNA: Am I supposed to be grateful for this disgraceful specimen of cookery? Send it back. It's so hard to find good help these days.

HAO: *makes his way downstairs mumbling something about a shaman tournament and shikigamis.*

JUN: Anna stayed by the fire for some time, reading.

ANNA: *sees the faces of Ren and Jun staring in the window watching her.* Ack! No one's supposed to see me wearing my reading glasses!! *whips them off* I'm going to bed.

JUN: So she did. *looks down at little brother* Lian, what the heck are you doing?

REN: *tremble eyes.* I lost my milk…

JUN: Poor baby Lian-chan. *kiss kiss.* Now get over it.

REN: *wail* My milk!!!!!

JUN: *smack*

REN: XX

JUN: While Anna was sleeping, a strange sound awoke her.

ANNA: *sitting up in bed.* Eh? A strange sound awoke me! It sounds like the rattling of chains.

GHOST: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnna!

ANNA: Who's there? Hao Dilber-san? Is that you?

GHOST: Anna Krooge!

ANNA: Eh? Who are you?

GHOST: Ask me who I was!

ANNA: Well, who were you then?

GHOST: In life I was your business partner, Amida-Marley!

ANNA: Amida-Marley?!? Eh? *rubs eyes* I don't believe it.

AMIDA-MARLEY: Why?

ANNA: It was probably just something that I ate that's come back to haunt me. Get it? Haunt me? *clears throat* It was most likely some bad sushi.

AMIDA-MARLEY: *roars*

ANNA: *shrieks and pulls the blanket over her head.*

AMIDA-MARLEY: Why do you not believe?! Why do you doubt your senses!?!

ANNA: All right, all right, I believe! What on earth are you doing here? And why do you wear those chains?

AMIDA-MARLEY: *rattle rattle* I wear the chains I forged in life! I am cursed to walk abroad, in repentance for the foul acts I have committed!

ANNA: But you were always a good man of business!

AMIDA-MARLEY: Business?! Mankind should have been my business!! Caring for my fellowmen, treating them as fellow passengers on a sacred journey, that should have been my business!!

ANNA: But the chains!

AMIDA-MARLEY: I forged them myself, link by link and yard by yard. And your own chain was as long and as ponderous as mine was, a full seven years ago! You have labored on it since!

ANNA: Stop scaring me! Say something comforting!

AMIDA-MARLEY: I have nothing to say. But tonight you shall be visited by three spirits.

ANNA: *checks watch.* But it's midnight. I have only six and a half hours left in my REM cycle. Can't I just get them over in one shot?

AMIDA-MARLEY: Expect the first spirit when the bell tolls once!

ANNA: Amida-Marley! You get your sorry hide back here or I'll- hey, he's gone. Oh, well. *goes back to sleep.*

REN: Isn't she worried about the spirits?

JUN: Apparently not.

ANNA: *snore*

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**Author's Note:**

OH MY GAWSH THIS IS OLD SCHOOL YO.

I wrote this way, way, way back in the day...2003 or 2004, to be...well, not exact, but that's as close as I can remember. I took it down to edit it a bit, but never got around to putting it back. So here it is!

Maybe some of my readers from way back will recognize it. :)

I'll put up the next chapter tonight and the final chapter tomorrow, so stay tuned. Merry Christmas!


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